how many times did we give in to believing that we are not "ready" to take on what God moves us to do? hehe, i find myself arguing with God sometimes when He nudges me to be proactive in something i'm not comfortable with. *ouch for me :-/* Love, a friend from our devotions group said it perfectly- "when you know you humanly can't do it, then there's more room for grace".

God doesn't require us to be perfect before we are allowed to step before Him. In reality, there's no qualification at all. We have an amazing God who meets us wherever we are--- in our imperfect state, when we are still tied to our vices, when we still wallow in our insecurities, during our weakness and frailty. We cant heal and free ourserlves, hence, the image of our Father carrying us while we're still filthy, calloused and hurting. From there, we move forward and find ourselves in a place lighted by His guidance.

Lydia Rule wrote it quite interestingly in Realteenfaith.com(http://realteenfaith.com/2007/09/15/real-devo-ministry-or-mini-try/#more-407)

The word “ministry” sounds big, impressive, and intimidating. Often, people are frightened by the idea of starting one. To avoid getting involved, we often make excuses. Teenagers feel too young to have a ministry, adults don’t have time, and the shy are afraid to try. . .

But ministry really is not as frightening as it sounds. In fact, if you look at the word ministry, you find something interesting:

The Ministry Equation: “Mini” –“s” + “try” = Mini try.

Ministry is really just a “mini”/miniature try. Ministry is something small that you start and let God take over.

Vincent Van Gogh once said that, “Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together.”

Erratum: My apologies to Lynda for nor being able to link the excerpt to the website from which it was taken from. -__-

for good lyrics, melodies, scripts.. rawr.

Unbearable Lightness of Being (Milan Kundera)

The heaviest of burdens is simultaneously an image of life's most intense fullfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. Conversely, the absolute absence of a burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into new heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant. What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?

Because you cannot see Him, God is everywhere- Yasunari Kawabata

Lullaby (Lemar)

...

All that I'm praying for
Is my love finds her like a lullaby
Finds her in the night
Sings her to sleep
All that I'm hoping for
Is my voice finds her like a lullaby
Sings her to sleep
She'll wake with me

This is my prayer
I've no shame to declare that I'm praying for her
(Please wake with me)
I laid down a love song
Made up this melody
Oh let this lullaby
Cry out and catch her

...

Idlip (Imago)

Neither away nor asleep
Dwell somewhere in between
Neither someone or something
Be it life alone
I walk it like a park
Half real, half fancy

...

Abide by a dreamer's flight
Cheater misfit on high
Alone in the landscapes
Periwinkle skies
A worried pretender passes me by

A million tonight
A million to light
A million to fight

1000 Oceans (Tori Amos)

These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
Well I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
So I will cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home
Sail
Sail you home

Earthbound (Tara Maclean)

These were all things you knew
But things you wouldn't talk me through
You were too kind
I was too sure
...

We're swimming to the stars
At least we'd like to think we are
But we're earthbound

i want more books. i want more original albums. waaaahh.. the power of words and music!

meron pa pala!

"sabi na nga ba eh"-- tan fernandez :p

"Cross My Heart" by Kelly Angard of thecrafty-girl.blogspot.com

anyway,,,since you have been emailing me some devotional snippets for the past few days... here it goes....some thoughts when I was reading my bible

Isaiah 40:11
He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.

The first image that went into my mind here is an animal in a sheperd's arms. Now my next question was...why did the animal needed to be carried. My thought was that lamb might be wounded or may be too young that it cannot walk by itself. That is the image that was painted in my mind when I read this verse. Jesus the shepherd carrying us in his arms when we are young and weak. Now, as he carries us in his arms, he held us close. Close enough that we can hear his heart beating. Then I understood that as He carries us and we can hear his heart beating...and we understand that his heart is beating for love, for salvation and for compassion. So therefore, we, as followers of Christ, should be able to beat the same way that his heart is beating.

Ayun. So I hope you have a blessed week ahead dude!

-rj

It's been more than 7 years since we last saw each other. After my falling out phase with so many people, meeting Roland, my guy best friend/ brother/ gramps again was really an answered prayer :) More time to be mr. sensitive on our next food trip dude ^_^

How can the same God who's seen your sins and shortcomings reward you and acknowledge your heart's deepest desires? Time and time again, He's proven that victory comes from the unfailing love which He gives.

So many answered prayers! Some I have forgotten about, yet the answers greet me today, reminding me of the needs i tried to hide years ago. A hundred years is like a day to Him, but His timing is always perfect.

He's healed us of our brokeness, unsatisfaction and regrets. Craftfully, He's restoring my family through teaching us humility and forgiveness. Even the shadows I feared and only ran away from- He brought me face to face with. And because in my weakness, His power is made perfect, my heart is taught to trust and humble itself. Burned bridges, people I have turned away from- God lead us back to finding each other. Amazing to realize that He's been preparing all of us despite our separate lives, and forgiveness was given long ago already.

Everyday, I see the folks I'm praying for being changed- being drawn to Him and His comfort...

Amazed. Lost for words. In awe. I am.

Jehovah Shalom- the Lord is our Peace

Jehovah Raha- the Lord is our Shepherd

Jehovah Jireh- the Lord is our Provider

Jehovah Nissi- the Lord our Victor

Jehovah Tsidkenu- the Lord our Righteousness

Jehovah Rapha- the Lord our Healer

Jehovah Shammah- the Lord with us.

He is.

Naaalala mo pa ba ang Edsa Dos? 3rd year high school pa lang ako nun. Finally, after 6 years, nagtatrabaho na ako at lahat, a decision was laid down for the charges pressed against the former president.

Former president Joseph Estrada has been found guilty beyond reasonable doubt of plunder by the Sandiganbayan anti-graft court and has been sentenced to life imprisonment. (inquirer.net)

Jinggoy and Serapio were acquitted...

sabi nga ni tan- "wala nang mas oobvious pa"

i hope 6 years of waiting did its job of preparing everyone for whatever verdict.

utang na loob, let's move forward na. okay? :)

Aloha, September.

Ber months once again and you know what that means:
a) Yeay! 4 months til Christmas

b) i'll be a year older. (you forgot?? how could you??! haha)

That's 22 for the lost. :P

9 months of 2007 and i feel more alive than ever. happy. joyful. at peace. in love.

So who else was born on September here? After checking the calendar, i was fiddling with my account last night when the urge to update my profile just wouldn't stop. What will i say about myself?  It's like being questioned how you would want to be remembered. tough. What accomplishments should i write? Should i hype on my talent or my current passions? Will i take in jest my little frivolous compulsions? Or do i just bank on my ever sun-shiney and rainbow-ey disposition? Have i got enough to actually write about?

 How do i want to be remembered?

Smiling, I typed this: a Christian. It's my whole life story in one word.

It's not proclaiming myself to be immaculate; but admiting my sinfulness and that i am in need of saving.

It's not claiming to be above others; but affirming openly that i have become a humble servant.

It's not to parade as a paradigm; but that I trust my Maker's faithfulness in fulfilling His good work in me.

It's not saying that I can do better than some; but acknowledging that through Grace and blessing, i have been made able to accomplish insurmountable challenges.

It's sharing my joy of truly living,

when it ceases to be about me...

I love my Jesus. I long to spend the years of my life following His lead and be a blessing to others. For me, my life began at 20s. I pray to have a heart like His.

*A Heart Like His*

God loves you just the way you are. If you think his love for you would be stronger if your faith were, you are wrong. If you think his love would be deeper if your thoughts were, wrong again. Don’t confuse God’s love with the love of people. The love of people often increases with performance and decreases with mistakes. Not so with God’s love. He loves you right where you are. To quote my wife’s favorite author: God’s love never ceases. Never. Though we spurn him. Ignore him. Reject him. Despise him. Disobey him. He will not change. Our evil cannot diminish his love. Our goodness cannot increase it. Our faith does not earn it anymore than our stupidity jeopardizes it. God doesn’t love us less if we fail or more if we succeed. God’s love never ceases.

God loves you just the way you are, but he refuses to leave you that way.(Max Lucado) Nothing I do can make God love me more or love me less.

Maybe you did great.

Perhaps the best performance of your life.

Pouring your heart and spirit to it, yes, it must have been awesome.

You take a bow and acknowledge the silence of the auditorium.

An old man coughing.

A familiar ring tone from an unsilenced mobile phone.

Footsteps of unsatisfied viewers walking away. tsk,tsk,tsk-ing.

Reverberating snore from a lady in the front row.

Your small group of friends flashing "we're-so-proud-of-you" smiles.

Little claps from a few.

Did they love you? Obviously they don't. If only you did what all of them enjoyed, this stage would have been a garden of long-stemmed roses. Thrown with all adulation by strangers transformed into fans.

The tempting whisper from behind you matters not. You shush it.

From the corners of the gigantic venue, one, two,...five....seven. Seven viewers stood up and clapped.

You did it.. He did it through you.

There is something about the sound they offered. Half-cupped fingers hitting their padded palms. An offering of sound telling of their changed hearts. And you knew. You knew that they saw beyond you.

Eyes brimming with tears, you look and and see the spotlight still illuminating you. Gently, your eyes close and the tears finally fell.

The whole time, your heart was performing not for tomorrow's show review.

You performed for an audience of One.

****

 21"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

Matthew 25:21

a realization over lunch with mr. macky lim-

invest and save. a lot or a condo for example- sooner or later, you'll be needing it. better start early. when i was in south luzon, i saved 65% of my earnings.

holy cow! i better steady up! hohumm.. reality bites.

We did the groceries for this week as a couple. teehee. (shopping for foodstuff as a couple. sheepish smile again!).

upon reaching the counter, and after looking at our wallets.

him: we're so poor

me: i know.

haha!

*Saturday

I have met so many wonderful people eversince volunteering for the ministry. It's now that i experientially understand the pleasure one receives from serving Him.

One of the people who's growing closer to my heart is Tita Liza Amparo. It's admirable to see her and Eunice, daughter of late 20s, working as a tandem in shaping the lives of kids. In so many ways, i pray that i also grow to become someone like her- aged gracefully with love and kindness. :) Our meeting last Saturday transcended from ministry related to relationships and marriage. haha. I and Ody listened intently to her as only little girls would do to their mothers. We heard her and Tito Nick's love story while she brought out Kleenex, recalling their struggles and overcoming unmentionables.

Some of the quotables I got from last Saturday:

"We always pray for God's best to come. But we often forget that we also play the role of God's best for this someone. As long as we have not grown to become the person God intended us to be, we'd just be anxious and looking at all places to find love. Instead of looking for someone, let Him take over your life and transform you. God gives abundantly and to settle is going ahead of Him. At the same time, it's shortchanging yourself with welcoming the good when you can have the best." hmm.. beautifully put!

"Forgive people and ask for forgiveness too. Do this even if the person who hurt you is no longer around. Sometimes, it's not for them rin, kasi it's possible that they dont even have a clue that they offended you. You forgive to save yourself. You forgive to get the unforgiving spirit out of your heart so you can love unconditionally again."

"Kapag may maliit na hinanakit ka kahit pa sa taong mahal mo, if it stays in your heart, then you'd always find a fault in what he does. He gives you a gift, maiinis ka instead because you perceive it that he's wasting money. He works hard and you still find it irritating because he isn't around to help out. Paikot-ikot lang. You don't keep quiet and try to resolve things by yourself- kaya nga nasa puso mo pa 'yan kasi in truth, you're holding on to it. Queerly, you find justification for your ire through these 'tampo'. And tampo is dangerous! You neither hate someone yet you're not entirely indifferent. In short, it's anger that nourishes itself by feeding from your emotions and confidence to your loved one."

Wala pa yan! haha. Being around this wonderful woman is such a joy talaga. Otherwise, i wouldn;t be compelled to write about her and even paraphrase her statements ala news clipping. :p

** Sunday

this Sunday was very special to me. My family came attended their first service with me! yeay! Bombi also attended church with me in the morning, but since it's CCF's anniversary, sobrang dami ng tao! He didn't get to peek at the classrooms rin. However, nakita naman nya sila Hannah and Gabbie while we were going down the escalator. :) cute little girls. Hannah's so sweet, she just approached me after their little party and said:

"Lao shi, i love you!" sabay hug and kiss! wooooooow! pati si shobe gabbie nya nakigaya rin. i love these kids! It's a blessing to see them blossoming talaga! 

Every student's goal is to be more like the teacher they look up to. I'm a student myself, and my hope is to live after the great Teacher. :) Long way to go pa, but my Lao shi's ever patient, steadfast and loving. i'll be like little Hannah, smiling up at Him with that "mold me! shape me! teach me!" smile. ^_____^

Two years ago, i was fortunate enough to be admitted in the AmCham's Business Orientation program. This is a yearly stint by the said organization that runs for an entire week, exposing its participants to the various industries of their member companies. The culmination is a business proposal complete with a defense infront of, you guessed it, an American audience. I found photos from our batch's email group and I am yet to locate the CD of pictures given to us. (note to self: your room is not a bodega. you'll have to clean up and sort things sooner or later, apps.)

i was having a text series with Achi Steph the other night. i think i SMSed something like "im glad to hear that everyone's in good places now" in closing. And our conversation for that night ended with her reply- "what's important is- are we all happy with what we are doing? I think that's the most crucial consideration". Indeed, it is achi. :)

Two years allowed all of us to go some growing up. Achi and I are both thinking of changing careers. Ruth's teaching in UP while earning her MBA. Ahia Paul's involved in his family's business. Nellie's with Mitchell Madison, Carissa, and most Accounting grad's enjoying the banking and finance environment. Ryan's in Law school while his "sister" Marianne's with a Lopez company. As for the other batchmates, i've lost contact with them already. I missed this year's reunion when the 2007 BOP batch was introduced. Being based in Manda isn't helping either, since I cant join Achi Steph and Carissa for lunch this week. haay, it's really among those 'one time- big time' experiences wherein fate forces you to work with total strangers but you know for a fact that what you shared is meritable enough to be called friendship. :)

Here are some of our pictures then:

ruth, achi steph, me and laura dear :)

aya, paul #1, Mr. Pfluger, Lorah, Me, Steph and Neel

3rd generation of BOPers! March 2006 Reunion

Marianne, Ahia Paul, Me, Carissa, Ry (uber payat na), Neel

Ahia, Me, Ruth, Carissa and Neel :)

see my long hair? sayang! i really miss that :(

this is cruel:

http://www.tingog.com/social-concerns/malu-fernandez-people-asia-article-controversy-manila-standard-columnist.html

Malu Fernandez, my disgust seethes through the pads of my keyboard. Yet, i cannot help but feel sorry for you as well. Your unrepentant and "ascerbic" humor may be all there is to you. With this, i am certain that you will never have the humble yet complete happiness of the hardworking and sincere people not belonging to "your culture".

lookie, I'm Appsie Simpson!

The bangs should be mirror-imaged and i can't seem to get my signature mole. anyhoo, it does have a slight resemblance.. right?

now excuse me, i will resume to gobbling my doughnut and humming "spider pig, spider pig.. look ouuuut!"

I thank my God upon every remembrance of you. —Philippians 1:3

The human ability to cherish and remember is a wonderful thing! I was going through some unsorted stuff at home this morning when i found a couple of personal photos- me and some friends spanning from pre-school to college. Aptly enough, this morning's devotion talked about how Paul used the memories of his stay in Philippi to comfort him as the trial for Rome neared. We all have a defense mechanism that just blocks the bad parts of the past from our recall, but i guess no amount of trauma can ever completely erase the good times. And in solitaire moments, you beam a smile to yourself with a single good memory prompted by a familiar scent, nostalgic feeling of passing by somewhere, a quote or line you first heard from someone.. and a good comment that turned a havoc day upside down. :)

Years ago, i made a site that was sort of a gift for my blockmates/friends. Pardon the very naivette structure of it- this was constructed through stolen workhours in common MC computers. Old school webby, dude! Encoded purely in plain notepad and with no decent photo-editing software. haha! Chief Yuvi wanted "testimonials" to be the content of a page he required from us one weekend. WTH were testimonials?? I didn't have a Friendster account (still dont have one) to draw those from. So i just asked my classmates to write something about me. Hmm.. it feels good to hear what others have to say about you. Okay, so it's a bit egoistic to read about oneself, but I must admit, these statements continue to make me smile. Share my gratefulness for "remembering" and visit this SITE.

excerpts:

"...Her angelic face is enough to lighten up one's gloomy day and her soothing way of talking about LOVE and GOD makes us inspired about life.."- Bess

"..appsie is my bestfriend, the first time that i saw her , she already exuded her taray side, some were jealous of her but most were so intrigued because of her evasiveness..."- Lycette

"... Her calm presence quietens the troubled emotions of any friend that needs to be listened and comforted. My thoughts and feelings have always found an audience in her and I’m very sure her other friends could say that about her too. She has always been and, I am confident to say, will always be the same person wherever she may be and you will never find a hint of sarcasm in her character but only the happy sweetness that her name brings. .." -Golda

".. she looks so nice and gentle that you'd think that you can break her easily. well, think again. it takes more than guts to survive her, you need a heavy duty brain. Yet! beneath it all, is a good heart. i admire her faith and kindness, it never leaves her. i know this girl ought to go far.. it won't be so tough for her afterall. .."- Jeanette

"si aps..sobrang bait po nito, halata nman sa angelic atributes nya eh..ang kulit pang kasama, mahilig sa pusa, kala ko nga pag kinakausap nya ako nagmi-meow meow na sya, soft spoken kse.."- Mayen

"si apple, akala mo lang tahimik yan pero wild tlga yan!!!.."- Tan

^___^ This post is starting to look like the back of a DVD already with those excerpts. haha! That'll be it for now i guess. Still dont have a friendster account, in case you're wondering. We don't really need that site to say something about someone right? i'd love to hear from all of you :)

Letting go of that 6-years had put me in a precarious state.Smoking. Late night outs. But only for a while. Why was i pushed to leave it in the first place? Then you realize that this- this freedom- was what you wanted for so long. When the bad and ugly outnumbered the good. When you lost yourself in the relationship. When you use that good memory 6 years ago to comfort you after crying the whole night from a fight... You know, deep inside you, the answer is Enough.

With acceptance, came comfort. My God is faithful and the moment that my focus was dedicated back towards Him, the hurt just diminished consistently. Until one day, He made me realize how far i've gone forward already.

So here I am, happier, serving Him and needing of only His provisions. Thankful. Grateful. With a new love to boot ;-) all things work for the good of those who love and serve Him... I am excited with His plans. His timing is always perfect and unquestionable.

Though the first half of the year's been a whirlwind of change and decisions, i am more confident and certain about these than i could ever have  been. My happiness is in Jesus- therefore I am sure that I cannot be broken. With God owning me, my whole perspective of love has changed. And loving this new person becomes a pleasure rather than a struggle. Taking care of him is like second-nature. The respect and acceptance both came before the romantic feeling. I'm grateful that God allowed us to become good friends first. So close that his previous relationship was included in my regular prayers list. He's one of the kindest and most loving people i've met. Ain't God grand? He drew us- 2 seemingly opposite people- together only to surprise us that we have more in common than we thought. Everything flowed smoothly and heads nodded from all our sides. :) Tomorrow could hold no more surprises for him and me except that my love grows just when i thought i couldn't love as much anymore. :)

 You are the perfect excuse to be cheesy, child-like and mature all at once, Hun. I'm proud to say that with you, my best also shines. Change isn't so bad. Change made us find each other finally. Looking forward to growing with you and Jesus. ^_^

of course, the cheesy post will not be complete without saying this- I love you :)

 admit it.. we look cute together ;-)

can you go 21 days without complaining?

A church in Kansas City encourages people to go cold-turkey on whining and be positive attitude champions. Why 21 days?

"Scientists believe it takes 21 days to form a new habit and complaining is habitual for most of us."

hmm.. that's a good point.

They're giving away Barney-colored statement bracelets to enforce a "complaint-free" commitment. If you want one for yourself or your friends, you can order HERE.

I placed an order just this morning, wonder when the package will get here... I signed-up for PETA's starter kit 2 years ago and was surprised to receive a hefty package complete with a dvd about animal cruelty. galing.

Positive psychology's always good. Maybe i'll start shrugging less, with or without that bracelet. ^_^ kayo rin! after all, it's an effort to be stressed and stay mad. :)

it was one of my missionary friends who first gave me this verse about God's blessings being unique every morning. Hah! being the baby Christian that i am, my first book of reference was *janjanja-jan...* Psalms. hehe. predictable again :p Try as I might, i never located that verse. Fast forward to now, finally chapters closer to my goal of reading the good book within the year, my morning devotion finally brought me face to face with the verse i've been searching for months. See how beautiful it is to read in whole:

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
       for his compassions never fail.

 23 They are new every morning;
       great is your faithfulness.

Lamentation 3:22-23

I felt my eyes beginning to water again. (crybaby as usual)

I've written so many times about God's perfect timing. Had i read this months before, my interpretation would be completely different. And so, even with how He reveals Himself to us, it is done beautifully so according to His chosen moment. Mercy and blessings meant differently to me then, maybe limited to the things i hoped and prayed for. But great is His faithfulness, that I am allowed to grow continuously under His light. Every single day, i lose my old self and transform into a new creation through Jesus. :)

I was given a somewhat off-tangent news today by bono. Consequently, last night, the past also made its way to my inbox. Aiayay.. Do i smell confrontation brewing? How might i have reacted kaya, months before? I would've cried for traces of these people to be  wiped out of both our systems... thrown an insecure/jealous hissy fit and dwelled in it the whole day... My girlfriends will be calling/ texting nonstop to my support. Would've. Might have. To my surprise, I felt no pang of ill feelings whatsoever. It felt like i was more worried with bono's past than him (or at least what he's showing). Finally, i convinced bono to find that friend in him and respond to her kindly, encourage and comfort her. what were you thinking??? you made him contact his past? apparently, i did. surprise, surprise. I'm amazed with God's good work in me, that everyday, the mercy and grace i first received from Him, i find the need to share to someone else. I'm nowhere near perfect- i get pissed off, i tick, i'm driven to cuss and say something i'll regret several times. Given that He created everything, He could choose for me to just vanish with no more chances. Yet, His mercies renew and we are included in how the world is refreshed everyday. I find comfort in His steadfast word. God will never contradict Himself. Kindness over self. way to go! :D

Hayy.. Soul Spa in a book, you're one cool God, Lord! :)

Sem Variance on Saturday.... stress mode for the GMA people. oh well, there's still the Saturday night and Sunday (hehe, wherein i transform into chummy chummy teacher apple for the preschoolers! haha!).

For most of you, enjoy the coming weekend! :)